This post is a follow-up to the very popular, “What To Do When You Disagree With Your Pastor,” and yesterday’s, “When To Leave Your Church.”
Your reasons are serious and biblical. Your spouse, if applicable, agrees with you, and you have a few other local churches in mind to check out. Now,
how do you actually … leave?
The common thing to do is disappear. Just stop going, and don’t say anything to anybody.
Don’t do that.
Hopefully you can’t do that. Hopefully you’re volunteering in some capacity, or your kids are involved in the youth group, or you and your spouse are part of a small/home group – all of which would make it difficult to just stop showing up. Hopefully.
Meet with your pastor.
Call or email to set up an appointment, and get together. Calmly and humbly and honestly explain why you feel like this congregation is not a good fit for you and/or your family.
- Tell him, or remind him, what you’ve done to settle your issues via Matthew 18, and what the result ultimately was.
- Assure him that you harbor no ill will, that you have nothing against him or his leadership team, but that you just feel it’s time to move on.
- Reassure him that you’re not angry and you’re not trying to start an argument; you just wanted make sure everything was clear and leave on good terms.
If you are harboring ill will, or you are angry, or you can’t have that conversation in a calm manner, then you need to spend some time in prayer before your meeting. Maybe he is wrong. Maybe he did hurt you. Maybe you don’t respect him. You can still forgive, as you’ve been forgiven. Don’t leave angry.
If you go to a megachurch, and you can’t get together with your pastor – or you don’t think it wouldn’t matter because he wouldn’t know your name(s) anyway – have that conversation with someone on staff, or someone in leadership. The person who runs the ministry you volunteer in, or the small group you attend, etc.
Not with the crabby woman whom you frequently talk to while waiting to pick up your kids. That’s gossip. That doesn’t count.
Then, go quietly.
You don’t need to broadcast your decision. If someone asks you, of course, be honest, but err on the side of caution. You don’t need to tell everyone who asks what you think the pastor’s many personal faults are, or how you think things should have been run, etc. “We didn’t agree with leadership,” or, “We couldn’t support the vision at that church,” are sufficient explanation for strangers and acquaintances. Don’t be drawn in.
The bait you will hear in your ear is that the pastor or the church is leading people into error, and someone needs to expose it.
Someone needs to tell the truth. Someone needs to do something.
Someone does. And He will. But that’s not your job.
You still don’t know every side to the story. You still don’t know what happens in the church offices on Wednesdays, or in the pastors home during the evenings. You don’t know the calling that God has on someone else’s life, so you need to leave it alone. He’s not your servant (Romans 14:4).
We are all responsible for our own faith and our own salvation – you, me, that pastor, and the guy sitting on the fourth row every other Sunday. We will all be judged in perfect righteousness by the only One who is perfectly righteous. Don’t try on those shoes.
Pray for the pastor. Pray for leadership. Pray for the congregation. God is well able to speak, open eyes, create change, etc. It’s still His Church, His bride, His body. Flawed or not, you don’t want to be found harassing His love when He comes for her.
(Now, clearly, if there is a financial swindle going on, or abuse of some kind, then yes, you have an obligation to report that to the proper authorities, but hopefully it wouldn’t have taken you this long to do that.)
If you need to leave, and you’re ready to leave, (1) have a mature conversation with leadership, and (2) go respectfully.